Live Environment · Node Cluster Alpha
A technical tour of our on-premises biological infrastructure, node population, and the meadow-layer architecture that powers it all.
Photography from on-site infrastructure audits, user sessions, and quarterly node health reviews.
Our flagship compute unit. Reserved for Enterprise tier customers only. Do not attempt to benchmark via direct contact.
Engineers running our REST API scheduler from the edge of the deployment zone. Wi-Fi signal is acceptable near the gate.
The barcode scanner at the main gate. Runs on a Raspberry Pi. Gary reboots it manually when it freezes, which is often.
Organic nodes frequently migrate to this zone between sessions. Infrastructure does not follow instructions to return.
Quarterly all-hands offsite. Organic throughput measured at 4.2 pellets consumed per minute. No incidents reported.
Our booking API. POST /sessions with your tier, group size, and preferred node density. Returns a confirmation token and Gary's mobile number.
Organic nodes exhibit highest interaction readiness between 06:00–09:00 and 16:00–18:30. Sessions scheduled at dusk carry increased latency risk.
Real-time node position tracking, behavioral anomaly flags, and pellet-consumption throughput. Exported as CSV. Not connected to the elk.
Overhead view of the deployment zone. The brown area in the north-east corner is where Gerald the elk refuses to leave and we've stopped trying to move him.
Our current active node population. All nodes are free-range, firmware-independent, and not under NDA.
Senior node. Prefers apple-flavored pellets. Has refused every attempt at relocation. Gary describes him as "the backbone of the operation."
Most reliable node for user-facing interaction. Will approach unprompted. Responsible for the Stratum Labs testimonial on our homepage.
Junior node. Still in development. Interaction results are inconsistent — he may engage enthusiastically or sprint away for no discernible reason. Not eligible under Starter tier SLA.
The rest of the herd. Gary knows all their names. We do not have individual photos. They are indistinguishable to non-Gary personnel at distance.
46 acres of mixed pasture and managed woodland. Perimeter secured by a 1.8m timber fence with three double-gate entry points. One gate is slightly off its hinge but still functional.
Gravel car park (40 vehicles). Covered picnic area. One pellet vending machine ($1.00/handful, coins only — Gary is working on card payment). Composting toilet block near the east gate.
Booking portal hosted on AWS. Gate scanner on a Raspberry Pi 4 (8GB). One Netgear router in the ticket cabin providing partial Wi-Fi coverage. Analytics dashboard: Google Sheets, synced manually by Gary each Friday.
Tuesday–Sunday, 09:00–17:00. Closed Mondays for herd welfare and Gary's crossfit. Bank holidays subject to node availability. Infrastructure does not observe SLAs on Christmas Day.
Fully licensed by the county. Annual USDA inspection passed three years running. A laminated A4 sheet near the main gate outlines interaction protocols. We are in the process of getting it updated from 2019.
Gary has been operating this facility since before we added the tech branding. He maintains the fence, manages the herd, operates the gate scanner, and provides White-Glove Onboarding for all tier levels.
He is also responsible for the elk's healthcare, their dietary plans, the quarterly antler-condition reports, and the Google Sheet that powers our analytics dashboard. Gary is not technical, but he is very good at his job.
"I just like the elk. I don't really understand the website but people seem to book more sessions now so I'm supportive of it."
— Gary
Gary can be reached via the "Contact Gary" link in the footer. Please review all available contact channels carefully before attempting to reach him.
Answers to questions our users ask before realising they are going to a petting zoo.
It's elk. It is a field containing elk. You are paying to go to a field and interact with elk. The tech language was Gary's nephew's idea and we can't figure out how to walk it back now.
No. You need closed-toe shoes, patience, and $1.00 in coins for the pellet vending machine. A willingness to be stared at by a 380kg animal is helpful but not required.
It is a web form that emails Gary. Gary then sends you a calendar invite. It technically qualifies as an API in that it accepts inputs and produces outputs.
You can bring a laptop. The Wi-Fi does not reach the elk. Gerald has shown no interest in pair programming. Kevin once stepped on someone's MacBook Pro. We are not liable for this.
If an elk walks away from you, your session is over. We do not offer refunds for voluntary node disengagement. This is disclosed in section 4(b) of the terms of service.
Gerald is not contractually obligated to appear. He is an elk. Enterprise tier gives you access to the enclosure in which Gerald lives. Whether Gerald presents himself is between you and Gerald.
Pick a tier, book a session, and Gary will send you a calendar invite within one business day.